Couples


Fear of what if…

Fear of what if… Our family experiences and burdens determine our lives today. Clinical psychology science shows that traumas are stored in the limbic brain for about three to seven generations. How many people do you know who really thrive, feel successful and live in a harmonious family? Often it is just about surviving in life. The baggage we carry we cannot get rid of easily either. YOU want to make changes, but how? Many people raise their children based on fear, the fear of: “What if…” But we cannot control what will happen. We cannot control others without their compliance either.  The world is dangerous and always has been, we just know more about it. Today, kids barely play outdoors anymore, though free play is extremely important for a balanced development. Schools are overwhelmingly large, often there is no recess, directive not interactive  teaching and create, in general a lot Read More


No label for divorce please!

Divorce. Eight years ago I divorced without a lawyer. To ease the difficulties  I used energy psychology tools which really helped. Because there were 3 children involved, there was a mandatory 3 hour mediation session. A very nice and capable woman, also psychologist, showed up and we all were pleased how the session went. A little while ago I bumped into her at a party and I said: “You know, everything turned out so well, my ex and I have a very cordial relationship  and the children are doing great and do not have any significant emotional scars or issues as result from the divorce whatsoever.”  She paused, and looked deep into my eyes and said “Carla, they ALWAYS get scarred by divorce”. I answered “No , that is called LIFE!” Difficult life experiences  are opportunities for growth and  learning  that enrich and strengthen us. These experiences shape us to be Read More


When the presence of absence…

I have never met you…When the presence of absence is felt When because of war or other disasters many family members are killed or perished, the members who survived, even though they might have never met the other members, can often feel the absence of their presence. Family Constellations show that, unexpectedly, identification can occur with one or more dead family members. We all are part of a so called ‘Family-Soul’; an intelligence that encompasses the evolution and nature of the family over several generations. Those who belong to the Family Soul are the children, parents and their siblings, (great-) grandparents, and anyone who has been excluded from the family system ( i.e. excluded, rejected members who were called ’bad’, former spouses, stillborn and aborted children).When we bring them back into the system by acknowledging and honoring them, we see that Constellations are a very effective way to restore harmony Read More


If you loose a parent…

Loss, grief, family constellations This morning  I was teaching again a 3 hour class in Palm Beach State College. One of the things that became clear was the visible connection with feeling ” Fearful of Success” as a result of a criticizing childhood. Not much Self-love and  self-appreciation, and feeling not-good enough were the biggest blocks with a specific, well-educated client. The shifts as were  occurring today promisse trust in a more self-actualizing future. Much gratitude to all! Here below is 1 example of private sessions  and workshops with the constellation-method. Generational patterns /Transferred traumas/Epigenetics. “My husband sometimes cheats on me, he says that he really loves me and doesn’t want to divorce, and it just drives me crazy!” Linda looked at me with deep sadness. “Did he lose a parent at a young age?”  This is usually the first question I ask with these kind of matters. Why? Because as Bert Hellinger (Hellinger 2001) so greatly Read More


3 Tips for Loving, Happy Relationships

“Appreciation of our diversity”, I wish that would be a class in school. It would prepare us at least partially for our future relationships with ourselves and with others. Competition divides us and is a killer for friendships and relationships. The trend to look at “winners and losers” by validating the “winner” much more than the “loser” doesn’t teach our children compassion or respect. That is quite contradicting to the call or request for respect which is so often expressed. In intimate relationships and with parenting styles criticism, comparison and judgment of behavior – especially when our needs aren’t met- is rather rule then exception. One key for happy relationships is feeling totally accepted for who you are. When people are in love, they tend to see only the good in the other. That’s not only because they don’t see “reality” (whose reality is it anyway), they just focus on Read More


The Sound of Compassion

Last night I learned about the sound of compassion. How does compassion sound?  Before you start to laugh or think critically you might consider doing what Einstein did. He declared that everything is energy. Having said that, we squeeze our minds to try to imagine what that really means. It’s very abstract, right? Not easy to do in a society where validation primarily is given to the perceivable world. Anyway, very old wisdom written down in one of the books of the Zohar (Kabbalah) teaches us that the “Aaaaahhhh” sound, felt in the chest by focusing on the heart and chest, has a level of vibration that creates compassion. You just put your hand on your heart and feel it. From Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer I learned that Shaaaaahhh… is the sound of creation. So that indicates that Ahhh: “compassion” is an integral part of Shaaaahhh. To chant that sound is a great start of the Read More


One secret of a great relationship is balance…

Great relationship Jen, a client, came into my office totally upset. Her partner didn’t want to join her today in the session. He was angry because of what Jen said to him, and he was “done”.  At least, that’s the excuse he used.  “I told him that he was a real narcissist and that he listened too much to his ego and never to me.” “Well, if you attack him, for sure he won’t listen to you.  First, never express your frustration by attacking someone. You bring in attack and defense mechanisms from the courtroom; this is not a great arena for compassionate relationships. When attacked, no one will listen to what is really hidden behind the words… There is no compassionate, heartfelt connection at that moment.  Second, if you are hurt do not hurt back, but EXPRESS your feelings and needs.”


What do you prefer, respect or…

RESPECT? “He’s never going to raise his voice to his parents! ” The very gentle, nice father appeared very decided. “That’s what I learned from my parents,” he said. The very gentle, nice father appeared very decided. I looked at his wife and she nodded her head in agreement. “Ok,” I said” I get that.” “Do you ever yell at your son? “Sometimes…,” the father answered. “Often” the mom answered very honest. “Well, then you lost your right to demand that your kids will never yell at you. Because…what they learned from you is that when you are frustrated and angry you yell! That’s the way you show them to behave when you are upset! And…for children in general, it’s much harder to control their emotions, just because they are kids. So if you can’t…” The parents looked up pretty confused. I continued: “If you punish as you did, and Read More


The Joy of Siblings.

Siblings, Family relationships, family constellations Siblings… Just came back from teaching in college an experiential workshop “Unlock the Hidden Wisdom of your Energy-fields”. A theme that was brought up by one of the students “J”: “sibling rivalry and jealousy”. The relationship between J and her sister was burdened by negativity and the youngest, J, indicated she wanted to have a happier relationship with her only sibling. She has practiced forgiveness but needed more work to do, she suggested. “J” appeared as extremely friendly and smiling a lot. She explicitly smiled when she was telling me and the group how painful it was for her. Case: Two sisters, one year apart, both now in their twenties. The youngest sister was present in my class. Parents have compared both girls a lot, the eldest did many things which were perceived as “wrong” by the parents, so they limited the younger one in Read More


Fathers-day…

Respect, honoring Fathers-day… for many people an insightful moment of reflection and gratitude. Really? It’s awesome if your heart naturally overflows from love and gratitude for the part you father contributes or has contributed in your life. But, for maybe even more people it’s a day with mixed feelings or just anger and sadness. Honoring your parents is a duty that has been imposed in your education by religions and other ideologies. It’s one of the Ten Commandments. Honoring your elders is an integral part in every culture. The “respect and honoring your parents” from the heart, which is so totally different then politeness, can be such a difficult act to do for those who have suffered abuse and rejection. They need compassion and no condemnation. They need more, actually. Much personal work needs to be done to undergo eventually a huge metamorphosis and release all bitterness, anger and pain.