The Adoption Triad: Soul Searching, People Searching
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The Adoption Triad: Hidden Truths Behind the Happy Ending
The word adoption conjures joyful images of a new baby, dreams fulfilled and promises of a better life for baby. There are more than 1.5 million adoptees in the United States; adoption touches one in fifteen of us. What few have had the courage to talk about until recently is that behind many “happy endings,” there are painful realities and souls in need of healing.
As the recent TV special “Dan Rather Reports: Adopted or Abducted?” explored, the adoption story rarely quite as simple or straightforward as it may first appear. The act of surrendering a baby is so primal that it brings up complex emotions for each member of the triad—birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees. There has traditionally been a veil of secrecy surrounding adoption; this is particularly true of adoptions that took place in the 50s, 60s and 70s. The circumstances and emotions around the conception, birth and surrender of the baby are often denied, buried or simply not discussed. If left unhealed, feelings of grief, unworthiness and longing can become part of the individual and tribal/family soul DNA, lasting a lifetime and even affecting future generations.
The birth mother may receive praise and feel deeply gratified for committing the ultimate loving, selfless act for her baby. At the same time, she may feel a mixture of fear, desperation, guilt, judgment, shame, and even coercion. On an emotional level, a woman is told, and often comes to believe, that she is undeserving of her child because she is unmarried, economically unstable or simply because the natural father walks away. Not an easy burden for a young woman to carry.
For the adoptive parent, there is elation and gratitude upon receiving a much-anticipated bundle of joy. However, the adoption often comes after suffering grief, self-doubt and pain if they were not able to have their own biological child. They may be reluctant to admit that they have doubts about how their family will accept and bond with the child or if he may have psychological or medical issues. They often have harsh judgments about the birth mother, which are inevitably felt by the child.
Even when adoptees have had a happy and loving childhood, most have lingering questions about their heritage and the circumstance surrounding their birth. At the soul level, it is a very difficult thing to feel like one has been “given away,” no matter the circumstances. Adoptees often develop a deep-seated fear of abandonment, a numbing of emotions or an inability to fully accept love in their relationships.
Truly making peace with adoption
and its influence in ones life may involve Soul Searching, People Searching or both.
People Searching: There are many heartwarming reunion stories about a birth mom and child finding each other, sharing an immediate recognition and bond, and developing a lifelong loving relationship. Many other searches are fraught with frustration, brick walls, repeated rejection or finding out some not-so-nice details about the birth mother’s life situation. The decision to search must be made with eyes and heart open, willingness to accept that it may be an emotional roller coaster and acceptance for a variety of possible outcomes. Many people find searching necessary to their healing; others choose to focus attention inwardly.
Research shows that the vast majority of birth mothers do want to be found and that nearly all adoptees who search are glad they did. This is true even if what they find is less than ideal, or if the birth family does not wish to pursue a personal relationship with the adoptee. In many cases, the pain is too deep for an adoptee and birth mother to bond, but meaningful connections are made with extended family members. In my opinion, it is almost always better to find answers; I believe that it is every adoptee’s birthright to have access to this information.
Soul Searching: So what is the best way to heal the emotional wounds surrounding adoption? In my fifteen-plus years as a mental health professional specializing in the adoption triad, I have seen incredible healing and growth for all members of the adoption triad, through a variety of techniques. Some of the most powerful healing results come from applying Epigenetics and Systemic Family Constellation.
Systemic Family Constellation is hugely popular in Europe and is becoming increasingly well known in the U.S. I had the honor of studying this work directly under its founder, Dr. Bert Hellinger. I am both a seasoned facilitator and a personal fan of this work. In hundreds of cases, I have seen fascinating results in detecting energetic connections and discovering hidden loyalties and trauma within a family soul group. This work taps into the larger family soul energy, supporting its innate ability to clear blockages, balance energy and very quickly bring about quantum healing and joy in my clients’ lives.
Learn more at www.lifeshiddentruths.com/services or attending the upcoming workshop “Adoption: Soul Searching and People Searching” on June 9th.