Adoption is a wonderful solution for a child who is an orphan or in foster care. Though, the separation of the natural mother is always a deep felt trauma. Babies DO feel and sense much more than often is made to believe. The most sacred connection starts in the womb.
For monetary purposes the adoption of new born babies is often presented as a simple answer to desperate parents with an unfulfilled child wish. Supporting financially the birth mother by honoring and acknowledging the importance of the natural relationship could prevent unnecessary wounds.
Natural birth parents, often resource-less, spent every day after the birth and relinquishment of their children loving, longing for and mourning for them. Many young pregnant girls were forced by family or others to “give their baby up for adoption.” The intensity of the pain of their loss was very dramatic and powerful.
Most of them expected to heal after a time and go on with their lives, but many found the healing never came and the pain only intensified as years drifted by.
Traumas are stored in the limbic brain, as clinical psychology science states. In my systemic family work it often becomes clear that the traumas of separation and the result: issues with bonding, are often repeated throughout generations. Hidden wisdom and answers are unveiled by looking at the bigger picture. This work is especially helpful for emotional issues around adoption.
Below, and on my testimonial page, you’ll find descriptions from Constellation workshops, a method that accesses areas in the subconscious where the hidden scars become visible and can be healed. Many people, also children, have found peace and healing through this method.
“As part of my “quest” to heal from the wounds of being adopted, I thought I had gone through enough work to finally release the pain of being given up. I was sure I had cleared the blocks, until I attended Carla’s workshop! Through her healing session, I was able to see my birth mother in a totally different light, which led me to contact her once more to have a relationship with her because I was able to see her with ONLY love in my heart! Thank you Carla for an amazing break through that sat deep ON my heart for 51 years! Because of you, I am FREE, once more.”
~Kimberly West-Founder of Allow Your Spirit to Soar, Inc.
“As a retired Dr., I was ecstatic to have an instantaneous healing during just 1 constellation workshop……..Traditional talk therapy would never have healed my deep wounds as an adoptee… and the effects of the Holocaust…. Carla is a genius as a metaphysical psychotherapist…..I can honestly say that her work is very effective and really works……thank you Carla…..”
~Ilene, Boynton Beach.
Listen to my 5 minute Adoption Peace meditation:
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Part of my chapter in the book: Allow Your Vision to Soar!
Adoption
In Holland, where I was born, a huge idealistic climate in the aftermath of WWII for creating a better world took place.Overflowing from love and great intentions thousands and thousands of children were brought to the Netherlands. Good schools, food and love would offer them a great future, or at least a better life. At 20 years, research showed that much had gone wrong- 72% of the adopted children showed signs of emotional damage and developed troubled relationships. Talk therapy didn’t work well. In the 1990s when the Systemic Family Constellations became known in Europe, desperate adoptive parents or their children attended a workshop. As much love that the new happy parents feel for the child, it is often difficult for the child to take that in. No mindset can help a child through the painful separation process; for the soul, it is a terrible thing to be given away. A baby, no matter what age, KNOWS and feels that. Often it is also terrible for the biological mother and for the adoptive parents who give so much and feel powerless.
Sophia, 22, comes to my workshop. Adopted at 10-days old, she grew up in a very loving family with several adopted children. Sophia says she really loves her adoptive mother and gets along with her very well, but she wants very much to meet her biological mother which is thwarted by her mom. She wrote her birth mother a letter several months ago but received no answer. “What is the reason you want a constellation,” I ask. Sophia works very hard on her personal growth. She thinks there is a connection between her fear to fall in love, shown when she pushes boyfriends away, and the fact that she did not make peace with her mom.
“What do you know about her?”
“She is a crack-whore; she had several children and gave them away.”
“You know,” I said, “we don’t know the story of your mom that made her become who she is now. It most probably isn’t a happy one. It will benefit you and your mom if you find words that give her some compassion. I know that every mother deep down somewhere feels pain when she cannot take care of her own children. If she doesn’t feel that, life hasn’t treated her well. You carry in you your parents. Make that picture soft and warm.”
Systemic orders show that the natural parents need to be called that way. Adoptive parents better have a different name. Honor your parents in your heart, even if that is difficult. It’s one of the 10 commandments… which were I found hard to comprehend in ALL situations. Becoming and being at peace with your parents, whatever has happened, serves you in your life. If you really want to be happy in life and relationships, that part needs to be healed. You know that forgiveness does not mean ’condone’ what happened, but ‘let go’ in order to free yourself.
We set up representatives for Sophia, her birth and adoptive mother. It soon becomes clear that there is not much respect felt by the adoptive Mother for the birth Mother: judgment about abandonment and neglect of the infant.
“You made such bad choices!” Sophia was crying very loud.
“For you a good thing,” I said,” that’s why you have this beautiful daughter!”
Both women looked angry at each other…The birth mother turns away and cries silently and deeply. “I could not take care of my children…Nobody ever took care of me. I am empty.”
I let the adoptive mother bow her head a little for the birth mother, when energies are calmed down. “I gave you my daughter, and I thank you for all you gave her that I could not give.” She bows her head in reverence. “Thank you for giving me your child. I couldn’t have children myself. I gave her my best.” Both women bow to each other; a profound movement is made. Holding respect and honoring what are necessary ingredients for a family.
Sophia is observing her constellation and very moved. I let her step in the field, opposing her two mothers. She bows for them and embraces them, a long, long embrace. A strong energy is felt in the room. Everyone is moved. A movement in the soul is made, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, honoring each for who she is. Pain of ages is felt. Love flows freely. Sophia sighs when I ask her to take the picture in, a picture of peace beyond our perceptions.
Five days later I call Sophia to check in with her. “Guess what happened?” she said. “My Biological mother called me two days after the workshop.” Wow, I am so happy for her. Feeling ignored for so long, and suddenly there is contact… That is the power of working with energies by allowing the Soul, and the wisdom of Spirit to work. The simple choice made: Allow GOOD in your life to happen. That is what Systemic Family Healing can create.
Here is another testimonial: adoption-constellation
Family Constellation Cases Children
Family Secrets? Yes, they are often hidden behind UNEXPLAINED behavior, such as unexplained anger, depression or anxiety.
The method I use is very helpful to reveal quickly where the problems are hidden or emanating from. Often we discover hidden dynamics, that no one was aware of and are bothering your child. That can cause unwanted behavior that is not understood. Some other revelations lead to traumatic experiences that we, our parents, our grand parents or other family members in the past have gone through.
As clinical psychology science shows: unhealed traumas can reverberate through generations. The information obtained by revealing those entanglments, can be life changing, for the child, the parent and the family.
CASE 1
Ella is 8-years-old. At age 4, while being very extrovert, she suddenly decided not to talk anymore to anyone outside of her family but not to teachers , strangers and friends. She did not answer any questions. Her parents had tried all possible solutions. Ella came to me for a session after 4 years of maintaining this behavior.
The constellation showed that her grandfather L. was 4-years-old when he moved from America to Haiti with his parents, who were medical professionals. He was left in the hands of helpers who didn’t speak English, and L. didn’t speak French. While his parents were traveling in the country, L. was physically punished by the helpers for not obeying them. L. married in his twenties and had a son, M. When M was 4-years-old, his parents divorced. L said to his son M, “Don’t call me dad anymore, I am not your dad from now on.” M’s daughter is Ella. The constellation revealed inherited trauma: Grandfather L experienced the trauma of abandonment and a language barrier (“can’t speak”). His son M experienced abandonment and disconnection. His granddaughter, Ella, carried the trauma of non-expression, not being heard, and not able to speak. It looks as if the shock of the experiences of her grandfather silenced Ella. Resolution: After two private sessions with constellation work, Ella now speaks more freely and answers questions 80% of the time.
CASE 2
Gary is 18 years of age. He doesn’t want to go to school, sleeps during the day, only wants to smoke pot, and has no desire or passion for the opportunities in life. His recent outbursts of anger, a new behavior, are an area of concern for the parents. Only a year ago, he was a totally different person.
An on-line session with his mom made it clear that Gary was carrying the traumas of his grandfather, who was sent to war at a young age. He came back from war a different person, angry and violent with his kids, and never received any help for his presumed PTSD. The grandfather died over a year ago. Gary carried what belonged to his grandfather, without being aware. Two sessions made a difference and today he is attending college.
CASE 3
Ann has two daughters, Lily aged 9 and Sophie aged 16. From birth, Sophie behaved distant and aloof towards her mother, and showed no affection. Lily was the opposite.
When Sophie was 3-years-old, Ann visited a psychiatrist for help. Other than medication, and blaming the mother, not much help was provided. Setting up a family constellation revealed that Sophie’s father was married when he had an affair with her mother. In that marriage were 2 young daughters. One of them was very angry at her father, for abandoning them, and for hurting their mother. Sophie took on this anger from the first wife and one of her daughters. She resented her own mother subconsciously, who was the cause for the break up with the first family. Resolution: Sophie had subconsciously taken on anger and identified with her father’s wife and daughter. Given her the rightful place in the family, without entanglements, the anger and traumas were totally released, and the relationship between Ann and Sophie improved significantly.
CASE 4
Eitan’s dad passed when he was 5 years old. A few years later, the mother’s boyfriend who became a father figure to her 2 boys, was completely rejected by Eitan. It gave a lot of stress at home.
A group constellation with the then 7 year old boy and 8 adults (strangers for Eitan) learned that when Eitan “received permission” from his deceived father he felt free to embrace and allow the new partner of his mother in his heart. The special process in the constellation made visible and possible what just by speaking alone didn’t work. Several years later, they are still enjoying each others company.
The footprint method used in private sessions.
CASE 5
With his grandmother, 9 year old Jimmy came for a session to my office. I was the last therapist to try before they would put Jimmy on medication for ADHD and hyperactivity.
Grandma was the caretaker for Jimmy and his sister because their parents were divorced and unable to take care of their children. Grandma spoke very negatively about her ex-daughter in law. “She‘s a horrible mother, a drug addict. She’s not even paying child-support.” Jimmy looked away while she spoke. For me the task was to elicit some empathy from grandmother for Jimmy’s mother, who was seemingly immersed in her own problems. Being addicted to drugs never occurs because of happy reasons.
Grandma was not open to hear any other vision than her own.
I asked Jimmy to “map his family” with colored footprints he would choose from, and to put them in the open space on the floor that we call “the field”. Spontaneously he put the footprints wherever he felt like. He chose a pair of footprints for himself, his mother, father, sister and grand- parents. We added the dog too.
I asked Jimmy to put shapes that are representing feelings next to the footprints where ever he would feel comfortable. Those feelings would then be seen as belonging to the footprints of that person.
Jimmy put next to everyone “love” but not for himself. He put “sadness” to his mother’s footprints and also to his own. He put “anger” next to his father’s prints.
The mapping shows the inner picture of how Jimmy perceives his family and ultimately his world. He was obviously feeling lonely, disconnected from his parents, but supported by grandparents, and had no love for himself (!).
The way he positioned his own feet showed a deep longing for his mother. It became clear how he was connected to his mother, which was with sadness and pain. He peeked from the corners of his eyes to his grandmother, almost afraid of what she would think from all this and he saw that she was tearing up.
This picture made her realize that it is detrimental for the boy when she speaks negatively about his mother. His feelings need to be respected. Even a troubled mother wants to be loved by the child, and deserves respect for wherever and whatever she is going through. Most importantly, regardless of the situation, the child will love his mother. The child needs to have positive feelings about his parents. which can be very difficult and conflicting. Tearing natural family ties apart can cause restlessness and depression.
It is our judging that can hurt others so much. One session seemed to be enough to have Jimmy‘s behavior change. The need for medication was gone.
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